Are You a People-Pleaser? Recognizing the Subtle Signs of Trauma Response

We’ve all heard about the common reactions to trauma: fight, flight, and freeze. But there’s a fourth response, often less understood, known as ‘fawning.’ This trauma response involves using people-pleasing behaviours to navigate difficult situations, feel safe in relationships, and gain approval from others. It’s a way of trying to create security by constantly trying to match what we think others want or expect from us.

For many, this pattern of behaviour can stem from challenging experiences in childhood. If you’ve ever felt like you’re constantly trying to make others happy, avoid conflict at all costs, or struggle to say no, you might recognize aspects of fawning in your own life. This article explores seven subtle signs that your people-pleasing tendencies might be linked to a trauma response, helping you understand these patterns better.

What is Fawning?

The concept of ‘fawning’ as a trauma response was first described by therapist Pete Walker. In essence, fawning is a survival mechanism where individuals adapt their behaviour to appease others. This can manifest as an excessive need to please, an inability to set boundaries, and a deep-seated fear of conflict or rejection. The goal is to ensure safety and maintain connection, even if it means sacrificing one’s own needs and authenticity.

When we engage in fawning, we’re often not acting from a place of genuine desire, but rather from a learned behaviour designed to protect ourselves. This can make us feel like we’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying to anticipate and meet the needs of others before they even express them.

Seven Subtle Signs of Fawning as a Trauma Response

Recognizing these patterns in yourself can be the first step towards healing. Here are seven common signs:

1. You Struggle to Feel ‘Seen’ by Others

When you’re constantly focused on pleasing others, you may find it difficult to express your true self. This can lead to a feeling that others don’t truly know you, or that you’re not being seen for who you really are. The irony is that in trying so hard to be liked, you might be hiding your authentic self, making it impossible for others to truly see you.

Real-life scenario: You’ve just finished a project at work that you’re incredibly proud of, but when your boss asks for feedback, you downplay your contributions, saying things like, “Oh, it was a team effort,” or “I just did what I was told.” You feel a pang of disappointment that your hard work isn’t being recognized, but you can’t shake the habit of deflecting praise.

2. You Don’t Know How to Say ‘No’

The word ‘no’ can feel almost impossible to utter. You often say ‘yes’ out of habit or a desire to avoid disappointing others, even when you’re already overwhelmed. This can lead to taking on too much, feeling stretched thin, and silently resenting the commitments you’ve made.

Your catchphrase might be, “It’s no trouble at all!” while internally you’re already dreading the extra work.

3. Emotional Outbursts or Over-Sharing with Strangers

This might seem contradictory to people-pleasing, but it’s a common manifestation. When you suppress your emotions for so long to avoid conflict, they can sometimes erupt unexpectedly. Alternatively, you might find yourself over-sharing deeply personal details with people you’ve just met, seeking an immediate emotional connection or release that you can’t find in your existing relationships.

4. You Feel Guilty When You’re Angry

Anger is a natural human emotion, but for those who fawn, it can bring on intense feelings of guilt. You might worry that expressing anger will damage relationships or lead to rejection. This can lead to suppressing anger, even when it’s justified, and feeling bad about yourself afterward.

Real-life scenario: Your partner forgot an important anniversary dinner you had planned. Instead of expressing your hurt and disappointment, you find yourself apologising to them for being upset, thinking, “I shouldn’t be mad, they must have had a really stressful day.”

5. You Feel Responsible for Other People’s Reactions

You might feel an intense sense of responsibility for how others feel or react. If someone is upset, you might immediately blame yourself, believing you did something wrong to cause their distress. This can lead to constantly monitoring others’ moods and trying to manage their emotions.

I once felt guilty because a friend of mine spent 30 minutes looking for parking near the cafe I chose to meet them at. As if I somehow control whether or not a parking space is available. This feeling of undue responsibility is a classic sign.

6. You Find Yourself Compromising Your Values

To maintain harmony or gain approval, you might find yourself agreeing to things or acting in ways that go against your core beliefs or values. This can lead to a sense of inner conflict and a feeling of not being true to yourself.

7. You Sometimes Dissociate in Social Situations

Dissociation, or feeling detached from yourself or your surroundings, can be a way your mind copes with overwhelming social situations. When you’re constantly trying to manage others’ perceptions, you might mentally check out to protect yourself from the stress of social interaction.

Understanding the Roots of Fawning

Fawning often develops as a coping mechanism in response to childhood trauma or unstable environments. When a child learns that their safety or acceptance depends on constantly appeasing caregivers, they can develop these people-pleasing behaviours as a survival strategy. This pattern can then carry into adulthood, affecting relationships and overall well-being.

What to Do Next: Steps Towards Healing

If these signs resonate with you, remember that recognizing them is a powerful first step. Healing from fawning is a journey that involves:

• Self-Awareness: Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in social interactions. Notice when you’re saying ‘yes’ out of obligation rather than genuine desire.
• Setting Boundaries: Practice saying ‘no’ in small, low-stakes situations. It’s okay to decline requests when you don’t have the capacity.
• Connecting with Your Feelings: Allow yourself to feel and express emotions like anger or disappointment in healthy ways. Consider journaling or talking to a trusted friend.
• Seeking Professional Support: A therapist can help you understand the roots of your fawning response and develop healthier coping strategies. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be particularly helpful.
• Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself throughout this process. You’ve developed these coping mechanisms to survive, and changing them takes time and practice.

When to Consult a Doctor or Therapist

If you find that people-pleasing significantly impacts your daily life, relationships, or mental well-being, it’s time to seek professional help. Consider consulting a doctor or a mental health professional if you experience:

• Persistent feelings of anxiety or depression related to your people-pleasing behaviours.
• Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships due to boundary issues.
• Frequent feelings of burnout or resentment.
• Intrusive thoughts or flashbacks related to past trauma.
• A strong sense of guilt or shame associated with your emotions.

A healthcare professional can provide a proper diagnosis and guide you toward appropriate treatment, which may include therapy, support groups, or other interventions tailored to your specific needs.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Can fawning be overcome?

Yes, fawning can be overcome with awareness, practice, and professional support. It takes time to unlearn deeply ingrained survival mechanisms, but it is absolutely possible to develop healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.

Is fawning the same as being a nice person?

While being nice is a positive trait, fawning goes beyond genuine kindness. It involves sacrificing your own needs, values, and boundaries to appease others, often out of fear or a learned response to trauma, rather than authentic generosity.

How does fawning affect relationships?

Fawning can strain relationships. While it might initially seem to create harmony, it prevents genuine connection and can lead to resentment, burnout, and a lack of authentic intimacy. The people-pleaser may feel unseen, and the other person may not be getting to know the real them.